I know why I feel

I figured out why I feel the way I do. I never had anyone to love, want, or need me. It all started in my childhood because of my parents and siblings. So, because of these feelings, I would overcompensate by giving more than needed to others. Most of the time these people didn't deserve my love, kindness or financial help I would give.

I have no dreams left, have nothing to look forward too. This is causing my sadness.

I was raised to fail, even though I tried not to believe I was a failure, subconsciously I must have believed I was a failure regardless of my thoughts, always believing my glass is half full. Even though working hard to be successful, I always failed at everything. I would tell myself I had not failed because I learned from the experience.
My worst fears were to end up like my mother, and I have. Homeless and broke. It could be worse, there are others who are less fortunate.

This past year has been very hard emotionally, just now realized that the reason I was a workaholic was so I did not have to deal with my real issues of abuse and neglect. Now that I am not working it is coming at me full force like a hurricane.

Life is many surprises and I am tired of the gifts.