Road blocks, I see away, then another road block, Just call me lucky

A year ago I was stressing over where I would live this year.  In August 2015, I found a house to rent in October, felt safe again. Worried about having a place to live, food on the table and medical insurance to cover my medical needs.

Here it is Jan. 2017 I get a check in the mail from a lawsuit against the mortgage company Chase

$55,000,000 settlement against them And I received Cha-Ching a grand total of $8.93. Well, just call me lucky. 

February 2016 I found out my medical insurance is being canceled, now I have insurance that doesn't cover my medical needs. They cut food budget down to $16 a month, so no more healthy food that is low calorie. Instead, it is high in carbs to make the dollar go further.

I am not asking for a lot just a place to live that is mine and no-one can kick me out. That I can afford to heat and keep in good condition.  Just would like to feel safe in my old age since I have not felt safe most of my life. No vacations, fancy car or jewelry.  Just a safe, warm place I can call home.

I have no fine jewelry left, had to sell two years ago to buy food January 2014.  That was the winter I got sick and could not run my truck the way it should have been to produce enough money to support the truck and drivers that were driving it. Instead, they stole fuel money from me and blew tires on the truck. Each tire cost $500. Face it, I just make lousy decisions should have kicked the drivers out of the truck then.

In May 2014, I sold my truck paid off what I could. Took three months off to grieve all my losses over the previous seven years.

Last year (2014) I gave up the fight to save my house, overpriced because of the financial crisis that everyone went through.  I fought the mortgage company a little over two years. Sometimes you just have to give up a battle to win the war.

I have a steady income, better off than others, but not enough to get where I need to be. Safe.

Now to where I am going with this story is I recently tried to do a Fund-me page and because of sexual assault and child abuse they have it on hold. I am trying to raise money to get 3 Novellas written.  Because of the topics I have anxiety attacks and have to stop writing. It is taking me a long time, and to tell the truth, it is very uncomfortable to relive the violence I went through.

I keep trying to no avail, to publish the books so I can generate more income. So I can buy me a little house to live out my days on this earth without feeling in constant fear.

Well, I haven't achieved as much as I would have liked by now, Jan 2017. I am painting which is soothing to the soul.

I do have a small house I call home now; it is not mine but I feel safe here.

Why is life so hard?

Just going to talk. Life is just so fricken hard.  Good news my grandson called and we got to talk for a little while, the first time in 9 years 8 months 6 days. My heart is still sad for him. He got caught up in the system when he was 14 and he is working on getting released hopefully this year. He will be 18 in January.

Babysat for my son's children and his second eldest snuck out of the house and she went to the neighbors whom also is a relative. She told them I was being mean to her. There was nothing that she could have said I was being mean about. She had only been home less than an hour, ate dinner I had cooked, watched some television with her sister. Then told her sister she wanted to talk to grandma. So we talked, she asked me quite a few questions: about my finances, since I don't work, I am retired, and how much canvas cost, aren't they expensive, asked her about going to be a teenager next month, about her having a steer and pig in the next year 4H club. So how I was mean to her I have no idea. She had taken my spot on the couch where I had my stuff so I made her move over, she sat here for a while then moved to another chair. We had laughed. Then she said she was going downstairs I said ok. She lied about me and that hurts so much. I was abused as a child so I do not use violence, physical or emotional abuse. It's amazing that I am even normal considering everything I have been through as a child and adult. I am still crying because of her actions, she don't know that I know what she did. When I got home I had to take a pharmaceutical anxiety pill and today the same.

Besides, I am never mean to my grandchildren, they mean so much to me. After losing four to the state of Michigan, before my daughter died, is just not in my makeup. Even before that happened I rarely disciplined the grandchildren. My own children, I was not hard on them either. If they did something that was harmful or dangerous then I would step in to protect them from harm.

I am just so tired of life.