Shove it where the sun doesn't shine

I went to jail for protecting myself from my husband one-time; he used to beat me daily. This particular time he had given me a black eye, bloody nose, and swollen lip after he threw a knife at me that stuck in the wall instead of me.

I had left him a month before and moved to another town miles away. Found a job, rented a room over an old storefront building it was small, cheap, and I felt safe.. The room was quaint with plaster walls, a light hung from the center of ten foot high ceiling with only bare wires with no shade. The wooden floors clean and shiny but needed refinishing. A twin bed snug against the wall, with a small end table next to it, and a window with lace curtains in the center of the wall of the narrow room. I shared a bathroom down the hall with other people who rented similar rooms. It was mine, all mine.

 I was in the middle of preparing breakfast food for the restaurants line cooks. Baking old fashion buttermilk biscuits, frying bacon and sausage, coffee was brewing, the smell was deliciously hanging throughout the kitchen. Country music was playing on the radio, we were happy and laughing. I was feeling almost like my old self, full of confidence and anything was possible for the future.  Little did I know what was lurking outside for me. He found out where I worked. 

After he came in the back door of the restaurant he grabbed me. He was dragging me out the back door when I grabbed the door jamb on both side of the opening. I'm screaming for him to let go of me, my boss grab me under my arm pits but she and I couldn't break his grip. He got me outside into the car and drove off.  The police had been called but they didn't get there in time. He drove us back to the one bedroom trailer we had rented from a church pastor and his wife. 

The police showed up and took us both to jail.

He got out of jail on his own recognize that same day because he was from KY.

I am from Michigan.  Because of that the judge thought I was a flight risk. Ya think so?  I ended up spending 30 days because the judge wouldn't give me back my $100 bail money. So, I told the judge to shove it where the sun doesn't shine. Was not one of my better reactions to an authority figure. Needless to say, the judge didn't find my response humorous.
This happened in London KY. 

April is Prevent Child Abuse

Here are a few links to websites that fight for and do education to prevent child abuse.

childwelfare.gov/topics

preventchildabuse.org/2018-capm-toolkit/

We Are Thorn.org


I want to say I am healed 100% but I'm not and more than likely will never be.

I was thinking of a time I needed protection after reading about Home for Hope. At the time it wasn't funny but looking back it was quite humorous. I escaped him by stealing the Van that didn't have keys. I used a screwdriver to turn the ignition, push the clutch in to get it to roll down the incline then pop the clutch When my ex-husband woke up and I had drugged him and padlocked him in the travel trailer we lived in. He uses to keep me captive. We lived in the holler of Kentucky blue mountains. It was a trailer like the one used in a movie Lucille Ball and Desi Arnes traveled across the country on their honeymoon. 

No, I was just writing

That was the end of three years of pure mental and physical abuse. He is dead now I was researching info when I came across his Obit. He died in 2002 I believe. I did my own divorce without the help of an Attorney the judge was quite impressed. Me too. It's amazing what the mind can overcome when needed too.

The first time I was abused sexually I was 4 years old the last time was 2010. So its just my dogs, sons, and 10 grandchildren Life is good. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, love of family.

 I have been trying for years now. If others could see no matter how bad their life might be there is always a possibility to have some normalcy. A friend of mine told me one time that my life isn't normal for all of the shit I have had to deal with. I told her Lexy this is normal for me.

I am a fighter. I never got addicted to drugs or alcohol. I did do them as self-medicating. My younger days I would get upset and cry. Why me Why me. Then it got to the point of good whats next? Then it became ok how will I fix this issue? 

Poem to survivor of sexual assault

I searched for words to tell you what not to feel

I searched for words to tell you how to feel

I searched and searched then realized I could tell you a million words

But I did not experience your time and place

I did have my own, so I do know the place

But there are no words to express some experiences

In the end, results are always the same

Violated, hard to trust, anger that comes from know where

In time it will get easier the fear will subside

A day will come, and you will feel at peace again.

I am safer alone

She sits at the kitchen table listening to the water drip, drip, drip. Her memory goes back to a time in life when she remembers how vulnerable she could be. He controlled everything, she feared to make choices, trained from childhood to be obedient. Sexual abuse started when she was 3.

Now at 44, the dripping from the faucet reminds her of a time long ago when he put his hand through the window. They are fighting over his infidelity.

He knocks her down then sits with his knees on her forearms. She can't move, terror red is all she sees. The blood he is dripping on her forehead is running into her eyes.

He says, "In Viet Nam, we use to terrorize our captives this way. It can get worse".

Crying, begging, rocking her head back and forth desperate to keep the blood from running into her eyes. It's causing her to see everything through a red haze. Blood dripped, splattered, ran down the walls. He left after that never to come back.

Crying, sobbing from the aftermath of abuse. She doesn't know what to clean first.

Drenched in blood my vision blurred, I remember it well. Rinsed my eyes out than wiped my face. Didn't figure I should change my clothes.

By the time I washed the blood from walls, ceiling, furniture, and the floor my clothes drenched with his diluted blood, I took off my clothes and threw them away. Standing in the shower sobbing until the water ran clear and cold. I got out of the shower a new woman.

Until the next time, I meet the new one to bring terror in my life.

Now at 62, I stay alone. After 3 relationships that brought me to the brink of death, I'm safer alone.

#MeToo #iamwriting #amwriting