The sun came out today, it's streaming through the window making the room glow. It has rained for days.
I have been listening to Nickelback and Kid Rock today. Makes me want to be 20 something again. If I had to do over again I would not have worked my ass off, in stead I would change everything. Who am I kidding, we can not change what has happen, just have to deal with what we are dealt with in life, fair or not, just deal with it.
My adventures made me who I am, without them I would be someone else. I am not sure I could handle being someone else, I am not sure I can handle who I am.
I want to get drunk and numb the feelings in my heart and mind. I want to be someone else today, to have had a life of beaches, parties, vacations, family outings and to be loved, really loved not owned.
I have tried to be married 3 times. I do not think I am the marring type. It is obvious that I can not handle the commitment of anything including jobs, living in one place or relationships. I am, who I am.
It all started when I was a child my parents moved when I was in the 5Th grade. For the next 3 years we lived in a small town, then it happened my Dad got sick and my oldest sister decided to move us closer to her.
First we ended up in a cabin, one of my other sisters owned, until they could buy a house and remodel it. They had to redo the kitchen of the house we were to live in.
While still living in the cabin my Mother kicked my older sister out of the house because she would not go to college or work. So, my father told me if she had to leave so did I. I was 14 years old at the time.
For the next couple years I went to 9 different high schools. Then I dropped out.
No where to go I went with my sister that got kicked out of the house. I called my brother who I hardly knew and asked if I could live with him and his wife. They lived in a one bedroom trailer in a trailer park. They said yes. I slept on the couch in the living room. My sister-in-law said I had to get a job. Since I was only 14 yrs old I baby sat for a couple with one child who lived in the trailer park, 5 days a week. Worked all summer then we moved to a house with two bedrooms at the end of August. I started school in September and still baby sat on the weekends. My responsibilities was to go to school, baby sit, clean the kitchen, bathroom and my room. Take the trash out and get my homework done when I came home from school before I could go out and had to be home by 5:30. I got out of school at 3:30. Other wise I had no freedom. To make matters worst a drunk brother-in-law would stay at the house sometimes during the week. One night I woke up to him trying to rape me. I moved into the attic to feel safe. My sister-in-law and I painted the wood floor and hung burlap on the rafters. Put a mattress on the floor, the stairs were narrow so he could not get at me. I felt safer for a while.
Enough of reality for today.
I have been listening to Nickelback and Kid Rock today. Makes me want to be 20 something again. If I had to do over again I would not have worked my ass off, in stead I would change everything. Who am I kidding, we can not change what has happen, just have to deal with what we are dealt with in life, fair or not, just deal with it.
My adventures made me who I am, without them I would be someone else. I am not sure I could handle being someone else, I am not sure I can handle who I am.
I want to get drunk and numb the feelings in my heart and mind. I want to be someone else today, to have had a life of beaches, parties, vacations, family outings and to be loved, really loved not owned.
I have tried to be married 3 times. I do not think I am the marring type. It is obvious that I can not handle the commitment of anything including jobs, living in one place or relationships. I am, who I am.
It all started when I was a child my parents moved when I was in the 5Th grade. For the next 3 years we lived in a small town, then it happened my Dad got sick and my oldest sister decided to move us closer to her.
First we ended up in a cabin, one of my other sisters owned, until they could buy a house and remodel it. They had to redo the kitchen of the house we were to live in.
While still living in the cabin my Mother kicked my older sister out of the house because she would not go to college or work. So, my father told me if she had to leave so did I. I was 14 years old at the time.
For the next couple years I went to 9 different high schools. Then I dropped out.
No where to go I went with my sister that got kicked out of the house. I called my brother who I hardly knew and asked if I could live with him and his wife. They lived in a one bedroom trailer in a trailer park. They said yes. I slept on the couch in the living room. My sister-in-law said I had to get a job. Since I was only 14 yrs old I baby sat for a couple with one child who lived in the trailer park, 5 days a week. Worked all summer then we moved to a house with two bedrooms at the end of August. I started school in September and still baby sat on the weekends. My responsibilities was to go to school, baby sit, clean the kitchen, bathroom and my room. Take the trash out and get my homework done when I came home from school before I could go out and had to be home by 5:30. I got out of school at 3:30. Other wise I had no freedom. To make matters worst a drunk brother-in-law would stay at the house sometimes during the week. One night I woke up to him trying to rape me. I moved into the attic to feel safe. My sister-in-law and I painted the wood floor and hung burlap on the rafters. Put a mattress on the floor, the stairs were narrow so he could not get at me. I felt safer for a while.
Enough of reality for today.
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